jaded

#FTOTD: Plazein

Posted on by TheMX

1. Limbo:
No time to pause and ponder
these days

2. Sighs:
Like farts,
A release for all unhappiness that cannot be contained

3. Intolerance:
An ascending scale for the negativity moving outwards

4. Sanity:
All that we’re losing

5. Alive:
Barely above death, just as not daring is barely above fear.

6. Opinions:
Because everybody only wants their voice to be heard in an increasingly disquiet 21st century

7. News:
As with print media, is dying – what is new, really, if the trending trends phase in and out even before we know it? Like the cycle of industrialisation and globalisation rolling from country to country, sector to sector

8. Morality:
Increasingly rare to find when everyone cheats or manipulates

9. Beliefs:
Or rather, dis-.

10. Asylum/Sanctuary:
Despite all the seeking, one can only find it within – because nowhere in this crumbling world is safe anymore. Maybe that’s why people go insane, their minds have drifted out of this world and shrivelled deeper in, whichever way you choose to see it. Or, like everything, they are, themselves, and oxymoron.

11. Jaded:
Whereas, jades are beautiful.

12. Thank goodness the door is dead,
for if it were human and family its cause of death would most likely be a full cardiac arrest from our irresponsible doings and taking it for granted, loosely slamming or banging it as and when we please.

Nothing matters anymore, really – ‘packing’ is the priority, not education. ‘you’ don’t matter, others do. your indecision is because of the decision that has been imposed. the more you want a reaction – even one driven by fear – my indifference and disdain will only grow. the ones you love the ones you push away, further. and one day should you realise that your skipping stones no longer create a ripple in still waters, you might realise that others have gone too far away – so much that they might never come back.

This year, like all others, sucked.
For a long time i have not been filled with such an immense dread ‘going home’ – so much to the extent that i yearn to never go home if i could.
(house, actually, because i can’t recognise home anymore – lights do not guide me there; it is the obligations to fulfil that leaves me dragging my reluctant feet back the same stretch of road, to the house on the left.

Silent wails

Posted on by TheMX

Drowned out by the pouring water from the shower head.

What was there to be sad about – amidst being blessed in abundance with friendships, constant company, and a satisfying weekend with the sister?

this is perhaps ironic – but earlier this evening – stopping to ponder: all i wanted was to be alone. the images are back, flashes of a trail before me, of tramping a journey alone.
I guess that is something i really want, now.

I don’t quite understand myself either – for half the year when my friends have been away, i yearned for them so badly. and now that they were back, i simply wanted isolation -? how odd, something isn’t right either.

perhaps it’s a loose screw that’s fallen off the tin man in Oz. but the constant meet ups with people each week – and mandatory family communication – and false little talks with those at work is stunting towards being tiresome, exhausting. And yet i go on. i try to retain some optimism and hope for others not to lose theirs.

this week, i got to meet Addeh, Elisa, Nicky and Skype-d Ong Yi.
While trying to clear the mounting piles of workload, it feels like i, too, am digging dipper into a grave consisting a stash of jade.

these people. they’re like the patronus. the ones who guide a part of your soul back to you. exhausting as it is – i wouldn’t be where i am without them. so – no matter how drained and time crunched it is, i’m content and blessed for the chance to meet up with them.

A little piece of heaven, no more

Posted on by TheMX

so this just happened:
for awhile now, at the place i am working at, i like to go one floor up to have my breakfast while admiring the view of trees and greenery that stretch out into a distance. consider it time off from hours of staring strenuously at the computer. this area is just outside the Save the Children office (who owns the whole floor).

it’s about a month since this has been going on, and whenever expats walk in and out to the pantry and the restroom they are always very warm, and a mutual “good morning” is exchanged almost immediately.

however, today was different: as we were eating our food, one of the local staff came out to tell us off that the whole floor (including the area outside the toilet and their pantry) was off limits i.e. we don’t want to see you up here ever again. shortly after, another lady (local, too) came out to repeat what her colleague said earlier on, emphasising that they’ve “got the whole area covered”.

i don’t think i’ve ever been this upset in awhile, or i try not to.
i find it odd – there is no one there to appreciate the abundant flora and fauna given the best view. i’ve spotted hornbills and bird nests which would have been otherwise rare to see over here. and something so free and basic as to inhaling nature is something that we are restricted from. that place momentarily takes things off the mind, is there naught at all for sharing?

it is strange – how do they define children who needs saving? the last few weeks have left me more baffled than before, and today, nonetheless. Are people in NGOs truly kind, or are they simply taking up a job that requires them to be *seemingly* kind?

Are we not children to be saved, too?