x :

This ambiguity. We are (in) such a mess.

Not quite what I’d wanted or think it to turn out – so free to give, so free to receive, some sort of loosely tangled strings…. and you want it hanging – while i don’t.

You have a point, though. But this irrationality / ‘not mutually exclusive’ entitlement… is a stretch on my limits.

I’ve been selfish – taking away yet giving so little – and here we are, tugging strings like those threading a guitar.

Here is me,
on the run, once more.

It’s been about, or more than, 2 months since I’ve had a proper conversation with any close friend. Sorta.

How am i keeping up? I don’t know – honestly.

Life right now. No time to be worrying or wasting it on things that will pass (i.e. fleeting in nature)

#FTOTD: deepest fear

What if today was your last day on Earth?

In twinkling rapid eye movements through the early hours this morning, i found myself caught in this dilemma. A few hours before the day comes to an end, learning the Earth was going to self-destruct and all the humans didn’t have autonomy over their fates. This sounds nonsensical, kinda. But there were so many heart-stopping moments. Was it a bomb going off from beneath, was it every single thing turning into stone, or a comet plunging itself into the Earth’s core?

As electricity supplies slowly cut off, watching the artificial lights igniting the city going out – the sight was horrifying. In a grand hotel’s lobby, i walked to the bar wanting to grab a last cup of chai latte… only to notice how the cafe has been deserted, lights out and lifeless. Like the movie ‘Click’, time chooses when it wants to ‘fast forward’ – and the next moment we realise it, this was the last five minutes to our expiration.

Running out of the hotel as i received a message from my sister, i tried to dial for her – only to be disconnected each time. It was chaotic outside: people stranded on the field, running around as if there were invisible forces attacking from above. The phone signal died – in the last minute: i was scrambling alone. there was no time to send out texts to loved ones telling them the most important words. out of breath and ideas and optimism, the helplessness left me close to tears – and the objections and helplessness escaped only as muted gasps and shaking the head in protest, moving around directionless.

So this was my rendition of the end of life, with regrets.
No chai latte forever. Lost and alone. A ton of unspoken words.

u n t i t l e d

Subconsciously spent thrice as long brushing my teeth this morning:
the combined product of the accumulated sleep deprivation and the surreal feeling of waking up from a dream… only that last night wasn’t a dream.

As if the compelling desire to rid my face of the muscle memory.

This is one of the nights i know i don’t want to recall if i could, for its complexity and the events that happened. That includes the mess (and mass) of emotions entangled and oozy-woozy alcohol and being so flustered.

I don’t want to remember it.

See you in six months… or not.

#FTOTD – waiting :

You have been kind to me, most definitely.

This is a hefty price i can never repay, perhaps. Your compassion, unconditional and ready help is something that i truly appreciate – for its rarity at a time like that, for the enthusiasm that tenderly reassures one that all will be fine.

Feelings that you harbour towards me – i am
a w a r e

and i thank you for not pressurising me into anything, and for respecting my decisions and action. I don’t know what makes me so special to you : not the beauty, not the brains, not the aimlessness and ignorance, not the idealistic soul that i am.

See you in six months, that is what we agreed on. I don’t want to leave you waiting, like Waiting for Godot. I haven’t been the nicest human, really – but you have given so much, and improved me as a being. Thank you for the time and memories, the ingenuity,
for accepting me as how i am – understanding i am full and cannot reciprocate right now, and nevertheless – for being caring and generous.

But… i hope you don’t wait.

As much as i may not know myself, i know i am not the one who will be able to help you raise your personal standards like how you have subconsciously done for me.

#FTOTD Рepiphany 

Solo trip to Bangkok  was, to me, one of the most enjoyable experiences. The question is, why?

It took me awhile to figure out – besides getting to sketch, engaging in conversations that leave you pondering over exciting food for thought and craving for more, getting to experience and explore a country completely new to me, having lots of food, mango juice and beer, meeting generous people i am thankful for,

There was also the part where, in a completely new environment i could introduce myself – beyond school, grades and past mistakes. There was no judgment passed and i could be comfortable – being myself. There was breathing space for solitude too, and almost everything had no strings attached: more like an idea, rather than obligatory actions that insisted to be carried through.

This was one of the best experiences ever, truly. Dynamics was quite a critical factor too – and it is truly my blessing to have met such an easy-going group of people whom I can call friends.

#FTOTD – nostos

“Why so protective,” you asked.

i never answered your question. before i took off you told me what you almost did, but never. And now that will be our never. all the humour and your companionship for a mere two and a half days is enough to leave me dazed – i dislike you for that.

i will remember the walk to the temple, our conversation where you taught me about Shias and Sunnis and Geopolitics. and bewildering questions that you got from others in the past, because i am just as curious as any outsider is.

even without the beer we were warm. Haram, we joked through the night. Funny you. protective, because all this is fleeting – and i know i will be forgotten soon, a memory buried beneath all the fun times you will enjoy in time to come.

despite my passiveness and boundaries, you still got into my head in the end.
i like how we share ambiguously and openly.

what do i tell you, things that i didn’t say? and probably, they will never be heard. you have been kind to me, placing something as fragile as trust in my careless hands since the very moment we met. you do not question my faith, but you had your doubt about others. is this what you meant by ‘different’?

you are, actually. other than my sister, i have never tugged at anyone else’s blankets to wake them up. and with you i have allowed myself to be as unguarded despite restraining and reminding myself to be cautious. how is that possible?

this friendship is unique – perhaps once in a lifetime, so special it was only valid for three days. maybe it will rekindle again some day when we meet, perhaps our souls will be quicker to recognise each other if the wrinkles on our face have surfaced.

and here i will continue to be, protective – of you, of this memory, of all that ever lasted past moments.