“The date of our first kiss / the date we went to the hotel” (poolside, we were by the pool is all)
Marking the dates down is a massive indicator of terrible – as exam dates close in, do you realise how grave a mistake we are committing? Selfishly, it might have been delightful to know that they were not forgotten – but objectively, ultimately, no. This is wrong.
Getting involved, you and i – both have better things to be doing, different goals to be achieving and targets to be meeting. Yet here we are at an intersection point, our lives a standstill – yet at the same time, a rocketing arrow so eager to take off in every direction, because the opportunities are endless and spontaneity’s at its best.
But I’m not. My steady effort to build myself up is coming apart – all that i was certain of myself previously – does not feel like it’s there anymore. The root cause of uncertainty is from the external environment, which conversely affects the security internally on my mind.
Take you out of the equation, i can see everything clearer – i can be better, i can continue being me, learning to be independent and self-reliant. Self sustaining, like a plant. My energy ecosystem wouldn’t have been reconfigured.
This is not the best of myself, i can only see me fading out into the shadows to assume a role that floats.
I really need to get away from here – this is the only way I can get away from you, from losing independence, from being unsure of who i am.
distance, i need to take a step back for introspection.
you, you want otherwise – for us to take a step forward.
learning restraint and constraint,
and yet with you i have violated the constraints – as how the boundaries have blurred.
i told you before – you were my fear.
rephrased with greater precision – i was afraid of the zero sum game we were playing, and the possibility that both of us (if not, either) would get hurt fiddling with fire.
i am curious – this thrill is one that threads on a fine line between safety and risks, a highly volatile mass of uncertainty.
this, and we, are a contradiction
there is assurance around you, despite the fear and attempt at cautiousness to you
i don’t know how to proceed and handle with care
From 9.48 am:
Number of times i found myself lost in a daydream since: 3
Fragments of memories – like lightning flashing – dash through my mind
If the brain is a grey matter, why do we thread between grey areas
two dreams into the hours of the morning:
A deep sleep, a nightmare of snatch theft and biting the thieves finger as i hung on to him as he dashed for the doors out of a grand library, another deep sleep and a second dream about my cousin returning with a cup of vanilla bean ice cream that i desperately wanted… for concocting an affogato.
In twinkling rapid eye movements through the early hours this morning, i found myself caught in this dilemma. A few hours before the day comes to an end, learning the Earth was going to self-destruct and all the humans didn’t have autonomy over their fates. This sounds nonsensical, kinda. But there were so many heart-stopping moments. Was it a bomb going off from beneath, was it every single thing turning into stone, or a comet plunging itself into the Earth’s core?
As electricity supplies slowly cut off, watching the artificial lights igniting the city going out – the sight was horrifying. In a grand hotel’s lobby, i walked to the bar wanting to grab a last cup of chai latte… only to notice how the cafe has been deserted, lights out and lifeless. Like the movie ‘Click’, time chooses when it wants to ‘fast forward’ – and the next moment we realise it, this was the last five minutes to our expiration.
Running out of the hotel as i received a message from my sister, i tried to dial for her – only to be disconnected each time. It was chaotic outside: people stranded on the field, running around as if there were invisible forces attacking from above. The phone signal died – in the last minute: i was scrambling alone. there was no time to send out texts to loved ones telling them the most important words. out of breath and ideas and optimism, the helplessness left me close to tears – and the objections and helplessness escaped only as muted gasps and shaking the head in protest, moving around directionless.
So this was my rendition of the end of life, with regrets.
No chai latte forever. Lost and alone. A ton of unspoken words.
Subconsciously spent thrice as long brushing my teeth this morning:
the combined product of the accumulated sleep deprivation and the surreal feeling of waking up from a dream… only that last night wasn’t a dream.
As if the compelling desire to rid my face of the muscle memory.
This is one of the nights i know i don’t want to recall if i could, for its complexity and the events that happened. That includes the mess (and mass) of emotions entangled and oozy-woozy alcohol and being so flustered.