blind

i always thought i could do it, that i could conquer everything.

but i was wrong, and every time i put my heart and mind and soul through something as trying as this leaves me worried that the bomb within would go off, and that would be game over. the ticking is an anxiety pounding against the walls of the organs. it is not a melody, this is the siren song crying for help.

my opponent is myself. this self-beating is like nails clawing into the skin, and the mind scratching itself raw. i wonder how long more will it be before i can tell myself that i am driving in the right direction, that this turn isn’t towards insanity.

Advertisements

FTOTD

– Tired. Tired of individuals so full of themselves, you’d have thought they were a sponge so porous in absorbing all the ego.

– Is it because of how this country had raised us, to be complacent pricks who simply can’t be bothered by greater matters of the world?

– Drained, this ridiculous ping pong game we play each day as we ask each other what’s up for the day. For a conversation to go beyond that – is it so difficult? This small talk is absurd. Don’t you think that this routine is a chore – obliged to waste each other’s time.

– this floating around and through each day is stirring a bit of an existential dread, although i haven’t quite savoured my explorations

– and yet, it is often between 2 and 4 a.m. that i fall asleep – by everyone’s definition, that is early in to the wee hours of the morning, or from mom’s perspective, it is too

– Brazzaville. This playlist compiled for the songs heard throughout Europe -trust me, i am missing Europe in almost every waking moment. And so, adieu, goodnight

mind-set

a new journey begins on Monday.

I am thrilled, i am excited, i am partially nervous and fearful.
This is it, i tell myself. Conditioning the mind to ready itself for reality – life in full sobriety, ridding the airy-fairy day-dream sort of ideals. Responsibilities, assuming the appropriate identity and character.

Can i do it?

I said I could.
I’d wanted it, if not, why would I have taken the chance to cast my profile in?
Life, that’s what it is. here comes the opportunity – taking the precautionary steps to bring myself one step closer to making all the things I’d want a reality. Resilience – i’ve always had it in me – so here’s the time to hone it before it goes rusty.

Yes, that is hustling. Hustle that i’m game for, challenge. In this one, i’m not quite sure what’s the expectation to set for myself: perhaps to be kinder to the self, to accept and learn and try at succeeding.

If failure is a by-product of the process, that is fine by me. But trying and to learn is the objective. You miss 100% of the chances that you don’t take, so this one’s to a shot at adult-ing.

fired up

I can tell you when it happened, when i’d began thinking that gray areas, like thin ice, were fine to thread on.

Consul-fucking-tative friendship, this is what you call it.
i wonder if you see how disgusting this is, the values or morals it was built on – non-existent.

I can tell you what it triggered: a rude awakening.

I am not the same since then. here i am, thinking: a person who met me in February wouldn’t quite recognise the present me.
Change?

Change when you sparked something within – no, not in a good way, because this is anger, this is dirt, this is ugly, this is unnecessary emotional baggage.

Then at the end of journeying through Europe, another transformation:
I learnt to appreciate my worth, my own company, respect my wants and un-wants.
I became a stronger person, immune to your words that reduce.

But i became daring as well, in exploring ideas of interaction with people. Their ways, more fluid. More liberal, less restraint. But this is not safe, playing with fire. You were like… sparklers. A taster. And this is an advancement, to be going so close to something untamed – with the very possibility it might get out of control. Perhaps as in another society or a community that was more open – or that my identity wasn’t glued to me from birth, I had the choice to do as it will, without limits.

Consultation over, you taught me what i had to learn, so,
thank you for your consul(fucking)tative transaction.

Rude awakening

It’s been awhile since i last logged an entry.

68 days went by in a whim, a little too fast for the awakening from a delightful dream. Being whisked away into a voyage around Europe has been – the best reality ever, if not the best dream i’d never want to wake up from.

All the people i met have been so kind and warm, generous, and inspiring, even.

But now – it feels like one life’s ended, the credits are all rolled out, and it is time to sober up. That means, to be serious in searching for work, to live up to life’s expectations, to learn how to nourish myself as a self-sustaining tree against runs of storms, and to be strong enough to keep myself grounded to reality in times of chaos and madness.

This is the period where one transits from waking up of a slumber into adapting quickly to be alert to one’s surroundings. I am fearful.

I know what i want – but before i sink in a slump of withdrawal, i must try to keep myself together.

Today marks the end of running away from one of the unnerving thoughts, you.
For a long time i have avoided this confrontation, but the limbo is no more, i don’t want to waltz so cluelessly in. if you do not reply, i cannot explain. but even if you do, it would be pointless for me to explain to you.

Only in their dreams can men be truly free. ‘Twas always thus, and always thus will be.
― Tom Schulman, Dead Poets Society
Read More

#FTOTD: Hearing

Is sensitivity a frequency?

Loudness inhibits the hearing out of thoughts –

Is an unsound mind unsound, because of the blaring noise and harrassment by the buzzing thoughts?

Perhaps everyone is too busy living their life to bother, or maybe they’re too trying to keep up with it.
But this breeds unhealthy apathy AND obesed narcissism.

sometimes that leaves me wondering where i fare on this scale.

#FTOTD: bound

to hold yourself together – is to keep yourself from falling a
part

by all means, even if it means to cage oneself.

2.
this post is an optimistic one, sorta rare.

3.
learning to detach:
sieving out emotion from action, maybe this is the way to go
i might be on the right path after all.

but… is that structure, or free form?

4.
a certain opportunist recently taught me what it meant to be unconditional. limitless, impulsive, experimental, bold. unbridled as we allow, but that for now
will have to wait.

5.
do, don’t think – don’t let the heart think, let the mind strategise and structure.
this way, too, restricts your emotions from running so freely as to drive you insane.

6.
the future is scary – trying to be composed in dealing with the uncertainty is proving to be quite a challenge.

i will get through this phase, and i will keep on keeping on.