i think yesterday’s takeaway was
realising there is much i am unprepared for – although, to begin with, there weren’t much expectations that should have been pegged to a meeting as such.
It felt good that the knot of thrill and fear accumulating within, throughout the week, was released as the meeting came to an end, but i felt like by then – my heart had been torn apart.
for the shattering of ideals, ideals that exist. I don’t think i can handle too well, this people-meeting thing. Trying to establish something with so solid a foundation is almost chanced – rare, these days. Stay guarded. Like its physical form, the heart, as a muscle, will grow a new layer. perhaps in the years to come the number of walls built around may come apart (like stitches do, a couple of days after the surgery), when the time is right. Is it introversion taking its course? rewind time to a couple of years earlier, i would have been gungho, affirmatively, to meet new people and ask them my questions without much hesitation. But going back to yesterday afternoon – dressed smartly and confident strides: i think at that time i know how it was very much game over before anything even begins. Confidence – what an attractive trait. Yet, how crushing with its weight, internally: i can only crave to acquire and exude something that admirable some day.
But for now, books were an incomprehensible sort of companionship that didn’t require any form of guarding against. Why do you read?
Not only free from judgement, the wisdom from people (some alive, others… dead) presents itself in its most blunt, yet truest: eras, centuries, across oceans, beyond languages. Say, if the topic was an uncomfortable one – engaging in a conversation would perhaps be reluctant and unreceptive, poorly received even. Consider, if this idea was conveyed an underlying theme in a story: paralleled world, occurring to someone else. Somehow, that’s what books do – they present you case studies, open your mind to potential techniques to overcome adversity, and allow you to choose – what you desire to make out of it, how we choose to learn or brush it off as fiction.
i guess that’s also why i’ve been quite so contented in the company of books and drawings, perhaps because they can be the companion who understands your woes without telling you this or that – when all you need is a diversion or time for introspection while chewing on food for thought. Clarity. Self-discovery. Eliminating redundant items off the list to better determine and distinguish what we truly need and want.