Monochrome days

Haven’t had much time to sit down and properly update my handwritten journal – so here i am doing a quick update to make do for now. It sucks – this feeling can be perfectly summarised to “excess of it, surfeiting”, just as how the emotions are all welling up within.i don’t know how much more can I withstand but I guess trying to oppress it helps, for the least.

The weekend was pretty enjoyable despite it hitting the almost-bottom of the reserve tank: rock climbing Saturdays with the sister, then sending Willis off at the airport, and the foodventure with Gavin resumes – what better way to spend the rest days?

Rock climbing
– i feel so alive attempting walls. Countless monologues, fear, and pep-talks and challenging oneself: to think and keep trying, i feel like this one’s for myself. Each obstacle trains resistance and endurance, each fall drives a panic from the fear of nothingness. My sister pushed me to complete a boulder wall despite my telling the self that all i wanted was to do better than the last, and so it’s alright if i don’t conquer any boulder walls. But her demand led me to rise up to the challenge, that which i’m thankful for. Just like how we finally got down to rock climbing mornings.

Seeing you again
Remember in previous posts there was one that i mentioned how i thought of you in the midst of exams and a burning out mind? Yesterday afternoon was perfect and i wouldn’t have it any other way. When you go away again, it’s days like these that will leave me nostalgic for these memories. Who cares about being basic or being judged – none of us, not when we are having a good time together. Of our soulful conversations, some leave me yearning – for you to be happy, for me to be able to do more than empathise, for empathising merely requires imagining, not personally experiencing and fully understanding your perspective. Despite the sweltering heat we were getting baked in, the chase for chickens and little animals scurrying around the gardens was enchanting – although it all seemed to be in a blur. The next time we meet will be in December, which you passed off as it being “soon”. In a sea of worries your reassurance was that at least i would always have a slot in your schedule, to which i am relieved and thankful for.

Finally reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The first time i picked the book up to browse through the pages, i finished 42 pages in one sitting. It is familiar from certain scenes in the movie flashing through my mind as the pages went by. But i try very hard not to draw parallels to life as it is, because it is true – some people really “have it a lot worse”.

I still can’t get Sunday out of my mind even though today’s Tuesday – but it was magical. An impromptu drive in Singapore’s rendition of Long Island, spotting a yellow helicopter on someone’s roof, and perhaps – only perhaps – i might be just a little more inspired to aspire. That one hour wasn’t very long, but someone made me a happy girl. Or at least, every time a recollection of it runs through my mind, a residual smile and disbelief startles me a little. (:

And so, the month begins – the beginning of the end.


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