Glad that the week is drawing to yet another end – as always, starting out with half a tank of fuel and draining the reserves by the end.
for once, i finally see/understand how much energy is exhausted with each evening i spend out with people. even if they are loved ones. is it a honing for immunity/resistance/hardness towards the things that rip your heart into shreds?
so many times today i was trying to contain the frustration but they could only form a forced smile out – into your eyes, and merely disregard all the emotions with, “okay, it’s alright as long as you’re happy.” Knowing that saying other things would be futile nor would it change deeds done, i guess the anger ended up being consumed within. that’s like soot, residue from charcoal burning and fuel usage.
“and that’s what it always end with.” my upset is not a one-off, but an accumulated. can i change it – no, because nothing i do can ever be half as adequate as her perfection. is there jealousy – perhaps, because she seems to be on better terms with you. i know i shouldn’t compare or second guess, but there are times when i seriously question – despite knowing the almost-answer to my very concern. not being able to influence, or help in any possible way wrecks my heart just as much – as we converse about self-deprecating persons, your silhouette walks a parallel.
while every other thing or person may discount or take you for granted – as how things always usually are over here, too, i think i meant every word i gave you – “I am so glad she is not your girlfriend.” yes, she is my friend. while it is not in my position to comment or judge, i am thoroughly disappointed. it can happen to any one and i might just write it off, but time and again – i hate to see this happen to my best friend without being able to help, not for the least bit. karmic cycle? if you’re referring to anger, i’m afraid it is in this circular motion.