The best way, it seems, to explain the present state of mind, is – armoured.
Perhaps a defence mechanism, but it feels like a wall’s been built to surround the membrane and soft mush to protect the penetration and exposure to negativity and cynicism – anything pessimistic. Hopefully the strength keeps it all together, at least the next five weeks. Fingers crossed that there wouldn’t be a burning out either, or a drought. Or anything disastrous – as if the haze in Indonesia, and its side-effects of the inhumane dry spells over here isn’t mayhem enough. Urgh.
Can’t wait for this period to fly by, to be done and over with it. What is it that I hope to gain – the most out of this opportunity: optimistically, that would be – to challenge myself, to prove to myself – to reinforce that I am resilient. That I am not giving up on myself. But in every situation things can go both ways – if I fail to meet my objective, that would be a huge blunder. I cannot allow that to happen, for fear that I may not be so lucky to pick myself up – for a great deal of energy it requires, and burns.
Keep the faith ;