In the midst of cruising through 2016 on an almost autopilot mode and being so caught up in living in the now, smelling every scent the nose catches, or holding on to every memory as it is in the process of manufacturing and production, there has been barely time for retrospect. Before the thoughts are treated and processed, I am afraid i might lose them in waves of forgets.
Yesterday I learnt the true definition of forgiving; of letting go. The feeling, one so profound, was an enlightenment that left me amazed and pleasantly surprised.
For a very long time, the last three years has been filled with bitterness engraved over layers of embitterment whenever I recall the bad times and torment of performing miserably, having get hurt and learning so much of loneliness and detrimental, toxicities of life. But yesterday was different – i thought it were pretence at first, in an attempt to ease the awkwardness of the solemn conversation that was going on. But then as we delve deeper into the past, it dawned upon me that i was able to laugh along, dismissing the formality between a past…’friend’.
In the complete honesty of question and answers that were sure to churn a storm within if I were to hear it last time, this conversation may have ended very terribly. Yet, as we talked about the distancing, the cliffhanger, and deadweight thoughts, I realised we were mature enough to handle this just fine: better than expected, actually. In general, i could convey and translate my feelings and thoughts, the ones that used to ache, and would have left me cringing as if it were alcohol coming in contact with the freshness of a wound.
Ending with a prayer, a much needed closure, and tranquility in the heart and mind, I shared with this person, in all bareness, my true feeling after the very personal fellowship; it wasn’t what i felt for myself, but rather, for her: That i was truly happy she’s journeyed this far, come out stronger from her own experiences, achieving this enlightenment and readiness to embrace fresh perspectives, renewed faith and strength, in the provision of a proper closure for a retired chapter of our lives.
As for myself, my greatest takeaway from here was learning that forgiveness is such a beautiful thing.
Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.
Could I have said this in greatest sincerity if this conversation was done not last night, but two, three years ago? No. I would not have been ready, there would have been so much unresolved anger which, I would not have been able to metabolise. Be it bitterness, animosity, anger, melancholy, or devastation from countless disappointments – the immense negativity would altogether lead to a backfired attempt, quite possibly. But no, things… turned for the better. And for that, I am thankful. Grateful for this closure, for this epiphany, the beauty of this serendipity.
Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a ‘map’ for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.