Emptying spheroids

Wouldn’t have thrown up if i didn’t gulp down the cup of wine, which i don’t exactly remember why i did that. And that means that i wouldn’t have ended up crying like a baby for the rest of the night; and yes – it meant that i wouldn’t have missed out on Maccas for breakfast, which i was really looking forward to. Bummer. On the bright(er) side, i saved on the calories.

I guess last night was good, overall, but let’s hope i wasn’t one to ruin all of it. It sucked to be so vulnerable, though: spinning heads, conscious mind yet clumsy heavy movements, trapped in the toilet for almost an hour weaving in and out of consciousness due to first two, and the eventual collapse of the dam that got out of hand.

Reasons to cry:
1. The jarring replay of the man on the motorbike in hanoi refused to stop; the darkness was the perfect setting to stage the (re)play again and again. And even more so when they tried to turn the lights out — hysterical, because the memory transformed into a scream. It was terrifying and it made the view and pictures in my head even dimmer than it already was.
2. To sleep: when the two guys left the room to play Fifa, there was Ong Yi, Elizabeth and myself in the room left. It was a little after 4am, and the repeated “she’s my best friend” rambles reduced itself into pleas and tears that begged them not to go back to Australia.

My friends were very kind to put me on the bed and to get me to sleep and honestly I think i put up a tough fight and I tried to resist a lot but that’s alright, still trying to figure out why I struggled to keep up and think I was okay when I know I was almost gone, although I certainly remember everything, including the biting of hands and not being able to pour into the cup, whining that I love wine and I hate beer. But there was also relief that the worst was the tears and that I did not spout anything weirder like the confusion ringing in my head of mixed emotions (as jumbled up as the mixed nuts assortment).

Am i staying away from alcohol for now? No, but it was so painful and terrifying to be that vulnerable and the breakdown and it being triggering and everything. That’s how my 2016 started, and it’s game on I tell you. I am gonna get out stronger from all the broken pieces and bottles at the hotel lobby.

High hopes, it takes me back to where we started


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