Dubious gaps and curious dabs

Life has been alright, lately. In some sort of isolation and more often than before i think i enjoy my company more than a great deal of ‘friends’. Decided to leave some friendships behind for good, dedicate more time to build on the constants.

Over a span of 9 months, I realised my close friends “count” fell from 13 to perhaps just a handful now. As time passes, some people fade in… and fade out without a hint. If you happen to be the latter, I guess maybe feeling hopelessly sad is justified? Guess some constants that used to be slowly translated to infrequent, and infrequent to once upon a time. I see this happening to my semi-decade strong friends. But the truth sinks in, comparably nasty as when one gets a tattoo and feel all sore after. Chatting with Kim all the way from school to the time I alight, we both found so much similarity in which our present wants (to be away from crowds), our beliefs and ideals (friendship should be mutual responsibility and not at one’s expense, nor should it be taken for granted), and acknowledging the inevitable sad truth of reality (of drifting friendships and running out of words abruptly, one day).

For a few days now, I have been trying to process certain thoughts – and the most distinct hissing comes from trying to do a head count on close friends. So i checked Instagram to see who were the ones whom i celebrated my friendships with, to find that… out of 13, I can easily name the key few, they frequently appear in my gallery, and so on, so forth. Elizabeth, Elisa, Kim, Brenda, Gavin. That’s all I can think of, for now. Where is Joy, where is Gemonn? Don’t expect me to know the answer: I don’t have any. The supposed bestest friend…. is no longer bestest. A little bit of me burns within, thinking about this statement.

One would expect to be informed/updated real time should there be any crisis. I’m sorry for being this spoilt, but I’m starting to not understand how this friendship thing works. If anything happens to my bestest friend, I’m not the first to know. Neither am I second. Guess I don’t rank that high a priority as things once were; because i stand third and beyond. How embarrassing is that – is it because i failed to be a best friend? If so, please voice out. Someone out there, enlighten me – how can it be that the ones who are so dear to us, who supposedly knows us better than we ourselves do, are the ones who end up extinguishing cigarette buds on your knuckles?

What was supposed to be a post to feature Addeh’s raw tattoo yesterday led to a rather interesting find from an unplanned social experiment. Because there were quite a few people who asked about the tattoo, leaving assumptions to fill up the blanks of ambiguity. Assume i got the tattoo, but in reality, the hashtag #2015donerightxia was there because this was something important for me – to be there for Adeline, not because I was getting a tattoo. For the many months of loneliness she felt in UK, when I couldn’t be there for her, when physical distance awfully stung. I’m just glad i could be there to tell her how happy and proud I was of her.

But if you ask me now – yes, I might just get a tattoo.


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