In a heart-stopping second

– That seems to be like eternity: That is what it felt like just before my year one’s semester results were revealed before my eyes. i do understand that results are rather common, and normal – For those who consistently score well, checking their results is probably no biggy.

For someone like myself, however, results are a medium which opens up the pessimistic, stormy, monstrous realms within. To this word implanted in my head, it feels like a stitch that rips itself open internally to unbag a bunch of bad memories, ghosts of my past, and monsters that have been chased away. They come flowing in. It feels like a fresh wound once more. The array of possibilities of a catastrophic outcome is uncontrollable. The recollection of bad memories zoom right into a certain boy who messed my mind up in the most crucial months leading up to ‘A’ levels, the group of people who taught me to be aware of my surroundings and not be so naive as to give trust out so freely; the resentful, confused, tired soul that resented itself so much for being so incompetent, dispensable and unworthy of what everyone else was granted with, etc….

Do i blame anyone for this scare that’s so raw?

Perhaps i shun these people now, and look at them with spite and disgust brewing within by the thoughts of them. I don’t completely fault them for my incompetency: I blame myself for allowing the negativity to beat me up, again and again. Beat me to my knees and keep me there permanently. For giving my soul to the death eaters and parasites of life. For letting the darkness engulf me from outside and consume me from within, and allowing the melancholy to lead me astray so much that i saw beauty in brokenness and flirted with the idea of staying in it. Permitting myself to dwell over and over again in failure and the pain it torments with.

Fast forward to the present, to reality. That very moment before seeing results, no matter how much cajoling that i could not care less regardless of a pass or a fail: It all boils down to that one heart-stopping second that seems to stop forever in a void. I guess it goes on, right till the very moment I saw my grades.

For some reason, it felt as if the wound so raw exploded into a firework, as with the heads in Kingsmen, the movie. As if my pupils were dilating to absorb the most of life it can before my very eyes, yet having within programmed to function like a vacuum – everything internal sucked with brute force into a void, which is the heart.

To see that i managed to clear every module and hitting 50 and above for all could only sum up so great to churn out a sigh of relief. The lagged response which followed through was with unexpectedly jumping up and jogging on the spot, joyous squeals of surprise, shock and relief. In an instance, it feels like the wound wiped out, with a bang. The brightness overpowering the darkness, and reinstating the rightful state of mind and mindset. I can’t express how much more relieved i was to have the 50s/60s, which i didn’t quite expect to obtain: i thought i was going to fail. but it looks like the only ‘f’ in my mind was the flooding amounts of joy and thankfulness for having what i had. Although there are many people out there who have done so much better than myself, this drought within – i am so glad it has ended with the rain that raineth and cooked up a storm within, bringing with it both good news and calmness thereafter.

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