Been recalling snippets of dreams in my day-dreams, and I have been dreaming every night the past two weeks or so. Whether a form of escape, or liberating them thoughts, I know not. Perhaps reality seems to be cruising once again on its autopilot mode; Yet, I feel as if I am there, mind body and soul, when I spend the time with my loved ones and closed friends, at the same time. It is quite an odd feeling. Despite the frequent meet-ups to catch up with buddies who are back in Singapore for their summer vacation, it seems like I haven’t been in touch with anybody, nor have I confided in anyone but myself lately.
I don’t understand this either – it might be that I am so used to supporting myself and growing to enjoy being alone; but at the same time, I cannot help but to thread in melancholy, a preserved one, for I fear that I am distancing myself from others – drifting away from them by the days. Am I afraid one day I’ll end up afloat in the huge sea of ambiguity, all alone? Possibly.
I guess “dispensable”, “self-worth”, “esteem” are words that like to hide in corners of my skull, only to startle and scare the life out of me by jumping out of random alleys and dark corners. They may not be as frightening as they once were, but occasionally they are nerve-wrecking and anxiety-causing enough to drain a good deal of energy out of me.
Who will be my legs now? Nobody. I learnt that pillars of support could disintegrate too. They are no less vulnerable than we are, but they take on more than the average people’s abilities.
In friendships that trail on forever and ever, I find that I am lost. What do I do to stop this from happening?