Autopilot

http://elitedaily.com/life/torture-real-like-trapped-inside-head/948386/

Holy, this article made me cringe. This may sound a little crazy but the nervousness was like a vacuum suctioning the entire oxygen capacity my lungs could contain the entire time I was scrolling through it.

Feels like I’m losing touch and control with time these days; wake up, idle, and before we know, it’s almost the end of the day. It’s horrible. Zone out and sometimes I am just staring into blank space before my eyes, depicting my sentiments of the future – very uncertain, all blurry, and I see nothing.

The days are drifting closer to the Big, Fat T W O ; they’re secretly overwhelming and maybe a little too much to handle.

There’s so much to think through and to come to terms with at nineteen before you move on to being twenty, and I have not been doing so. There’s a growing mountain of questions piled somewhere in the back of the mind, and there’s a dam that’s holding it back from overflowing. That’s my sanity, I think.
A few days ago my parents got me a pink LeSportSac bag with cartoon prints. Instead of happiness, I felt upset. Ungrateful, spoilt prick I am. I don’t need something expensive, nor do I have a need for a bag – I’ve got just enough. Mom thought I would like it because it’s cute, with pigs and rabbits all over the bag. Furthermore, there are so many things I would rather have on the list of priorities, and a bag is somewhere in the middle, not the top. Like the moosehide moccasin to replace the almost-20 year old pair I’m wearing that’s slowly disintegrating. Or Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Or a couple of other books. That’s all I really want, really. I think I accidentally broke my parents’ heart when I didn’t seem happy with it, but…. It’s all about the extent of needing.
Oh well, enough of morning-toilet-bowl thinking, gotta get my almost sorry ass out, to study now.

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