fired up

I can tell you when it happened, when i’d began thinking that gray areas, like thin ice, were fine to thread on.

Consul-fucking-tative friendship, this is what you call it.
i wonder if you see how disgusting this is, the values or morals it was built on – non-existent.

I can tell you what it triggered: a rude awakening.

I am not the same since then. here i am, thinking: a person who met me in February wouldn’t quite recognise the present me.
Change?

Change when you sparked something within – no, not in a good way, because this is anger, this is dirt, this is ugly, this is unnecessary emotional baggage.

Then at the end of journeying through Europe, another transformation:
I learnt to appreciate my worth, my own company, respect my wants and un-wants.
I became a stronger person, immune to your words that reduce.

But i became daring as well, in exploring ideas of interaction with people. Their ways, more fluid. More liberal, less restraint. But this is not safe, playing with fire. You were like… sparklers. A taster. And this is an advancement, to be going so close to something untamed – with the very possibility it might get out of control. Perhaps as in another society or a community that was more open – or that my identity wasn’t glued to me from birth, I had the choice to do as it will, without limits.

Consultation over, you taught me what i had to learn, so,
thank you for your consul(fucking)tative transaction.

Rude awakening

It’s been awhile since i last logged an entry.

68 days went by in a whim, a little too fast for the awakening from a delightful dream. Being whisked away into a voyage around Europe has been – the best reality ever, if not the best dream i’d never want to wake up from.

All the people i met have been so kind and warm, generous, and inspiring, even.

But now – it feels like one life’s ended, the credits are all rolled out, and it is time to sober up. That means, to be serious in searching for work, to live up to life’s expectations, to learn how to nourish myself as a self-sustaining tree against runs of storms, and to be strong enough to keep myself grounded to reality in times of chaos and madness.

This is the period where one transits from waking up of a slumber into adapting quickly to be alert to one’s surroundings. I am fearful.

I know what i want – but before i sink in a slump of withdrawal, i must try to keep myself together.

Today marks the end of running away from one of the unnerving thoughts, you.
For a long time i have avoided this confrontation, but the limbo is no more, i don’t want to waltz so cluelessly in. if you do not reply, i cannot explain. but even if you do, it would be pointless for me to explain to you.

Only in their dreams can men be truly free. ‘Twas always thus, and always thus will be.
― Tom Schulman, Dead Poets Society
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#FTOTD: Hearing

Is sensitivity a frequency?

Loudness inhibits the hearing out of thoughts –

Is an unsound mind unsound, because of the blaring noise and harrassment by the buzzing thoughts?

Perhaps everyone is too busy living their life to bother, or maybe they’re too trying to keep up with it.
But this breeds unhealthy apathy AND obesed narcissism.

sometimes that leaves me wondering where i fare on this scale.

#FTOTD: bound

to hold yourself together – is to keep yourself from falling a
part

by all means, even if it means to cage oneself.

2.
this post is an optimistic one, sorta rare.

3.
learning to detach:
sieving out emotion from action, maybe this is the way to go
i might be on the right path after all.

but… is that structure, or free form?

4.
a certain opportunist recently taught me what it meant to be unconditional. limitless, impulsive, experimental, bold. unbridled as we allow, but that for now
will have to wait.

5.
do, don’t think – don’t let the heart think, let the mind strategise and structure.
this way, too, restricts your emotions from running so freely as to drive you insane.

6.
the future is scary – trying to be composed in dealing with the uncertainty is proving to be quite a challenge.

i will get through this phase, and i will keep on keeping on.

#FTOTD: Fogged

“The date of our first kiss / the date we went to the hotel” (poolside, we were by the pool is all)

Marking the dates down is a massive indicator of terrible – as exam dates close in, do you realise how grave a mistake we are committing? Selfishly, it might have been delightful to know that they were not forgotten – but objectively, ultimately, no. This is wrong.

Getting involved, you and i – both have better things to be doing, different goals to be achieving and targets to be meeting. Yet here we are at an intersection point, our lives a standstill – yet at the same time, a rocketing arrow so eager to take off in every direction, because the opportunities are endless and spontaneity’s at its best.

But I’m not. My steady effort to build myself up is coming apart – all that i was certain of myself previously – does not feel like it’s there anymore. The root cause of uncertainty is from the external environment, which conversely affects the security internally on my mind.

Take you out of the equation, i can see everything clearer – i can be better, i can continue being me, learning to be independent and self-reliant. Self sustaining, like a plant. My energy ecosystem wouldn’t have been reconfigured.

This is not the best of myself, i can only see me fading out into the shadows to assume a role that floats.

I really need to get away from here – this is the only way I can get away from you, from losing independence, from being unsure of who i am.

#FTOTD: Sun-daze

distance, i need to take a step back for introspection.

you, you want otherwise – for us to take a step forward.

learning restraint and constraint,
and yet with you i have violated the constraints – as how the boundaries have blurred.

i told you before – you were my fear.
rephrased with greater precision – i was afraid of the zero sum game we were playing, and the possibility that both of us (if not, either) would get hurt fiddling with fire.

i am curious – this thrill is one that threads on a fine line between safety and risks, a highly volatile mass of uncertainty.

this, and we, are a contradiction
there is assurance around you, despite the fear and attempt at cautiousness to you

from here:
i don’t know how to proceed and handle with care

#FTOTD: undefined

From 9.48 am:
Number of times i found myself lost in a daydream since: 3

Fragments of memories – like lightning flashing – dash through my mind

If the brain is a grey matter, why do we thread between grey areas

last night:
two dreams into the hours of the morning:
A deep sleep, a nightmare of snatch theft and biting the thieves finger as i hung on to him as he dashed for the doors out of a grand library, another deep sleep and a second dream about my cousin returning with a cup of vanilla bean ice cream that i desperately wanted… for concocting an affogato.