i cannot stop comparing.
it is no longer only a form of measurement, a self-assessment, a judgement, because every minute my perception is being shaped: a better idea of self it hopes to achieve.
the conclusion is nowhere in sight, this mission seems futile, i am growing impatient by the days.
at 23 years old, i cannot visualise the me i will be in four years. the thinking is head splitting.
at 23 years old, what others have achieved – a dull reminder that reinforces my shortcomings, and it stings.
half the year had passed, people have moved on in their lives: a career progression, a new phase in life, and i cannot. cannot, accept this stagnation.
each day passed and each day of inertia dampens my confidence, my belief in self, but fuels the anger within. this frustration towards the self for not being capable – at times, a failing system with the energy but the limited tools and knowledge to keep up with productivity.
but i believe i have improved from the last: i am a dreamer. no longer of nostalgia and a clinger of the past, i dream of a better future – the one i want to live.
right now my motivation stems from the encouraging hands and spirits of an endearing friend, and i cannot be more thankful for the driven spirit and its infectious influence that it has on the self to actually want to/make an effort at self-improvement, self-development.
simultaneously, i feel so angry:
i have stopped investing in myself and believing in my dreams since i started working for someone else.
since when did we begin to forget our worth to build others’?
it angers me that this neglect and disregard has caused uncalled bitterness.
and the self that loved life and valued the individual: not a tinge of this i see in reflecting.
does the idealistic still exist?
it is time to wake up your idea.
regrets collect like old friends